


Fear of love

by laradelay



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Denial of Feelings, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:42:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23769460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laradelay/pseuds/laradelay
Summary: [ Liam/Zayn — Intrispection, Angst, Romance — One-Shot ]Liam and Zayn are in love with each other, but Liam doesn't want to be in love with Zayn. He's still in denial, even after all of this time. He wishes he could just kill the memories, but he can't do it. He decides to go to him. One of those nights. Windy, pitch-black and stormy nights. He needs a confrontation with him.
Relationships: Zayn Malik/Liam Payne
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	Fear of love

**Fear of love - Liam's Point of View**  
  
  


It's a _windy, pitch-black and stormy night_. The wind blows, the clouds cover both the moon and the stars and the storm rages. He's in a late night bar. He looks around in every corner of the place. He realizes that he wants women who look like him. He recalls memories of how he strips them, pulls them by their hair and fucks them, but always doing it from behind. He can think of him as he has sex with them.  
  
_Liam thinks of Zayn._ He hides it in the meanderings of himself, what he already felt for him, what he still feels for him and what he'll always feel for him. It's as if it had never existed; it's as if it doesn't already exist; it's as if it'll never exist. Lies. Truth. It all gets mixed up. _Glass after glass. Sip after sip. Bottle after bottle._ He's in a circle that doesn't start and it doesn't end, but nevertheless he's stuck into it.  
  
He brings the glass to his mouth, making the liquid bathe his lips and slip along his throat. The perception of everything and everyone around him is altered. He puts the money on the counter. He gets up, then he sighs heavily and he gets out.  
  
He leaves the bar. He suddenly finds himself in the pouring rain that beats on the roofs, sidewalks and cars. The drops of water hit everything and everyone, gushing continuously and shining beautifully. They cover the people, the city and the objects up with a pour of molted jewels. It washes away the sins. Theirs. All of their sins. He wonders if it'd be able to wash away even his own sins.  
  
He drinks too much. He's drunk. He staggers several times, almost tumbling down to the ground. He makes a few attempts in order to not to fall down. He has to put his palm on the door, but he skids on a puddle by accident. He lets himself go against the cold, wet and damp wall. He's in a dead alley. He's alone on his own, without anything and anyone around him. There's the water that falls down from the sky on his face, washing away the tears. He's crying out. He raises his head up, he can't even spot a glimpse of the sky through the clouds and he lowers his head down. _He feels so lost_.  
  
_He has to go to him.  
  
It's complex._ Liam continues to repeat to himself that it can be _very complex_ to deal with Zayn. He repeats it to himself for the umpteenth time, while he's driving into the night and the dark so he can get to the other male. This is because he's really worried about him, as both calls and messages are missed. He wants to know if he's okay. There are some background noises that accompany him during the trip, such as the radio playing pop music and the rain beating on the glass.  
  
He parks the car along the sidewalk, then he turns off the engine and he smokes a cigarette. He shuts down his eyelids, trying to follow the flow of thoughts that are all about him. Liam is thinking about Zayn.  
  
The red and orange light of the cigarette shines intensely, until it gradually becomes dimmer. It's almost over. He presses it into the ashtray and he turns it off, after which he crushes it on itself until it looks like a dismembered corpse that remains blackened there in a state of immobility.  
  
He gets out of the car. He looks in the distance at his house that stands against the sky, which is obscured by a blanket of clouds hiding both the moon and the stars. The obscurity is pitch-black. There are only a row of lampposts that still manage to illuminate the road, thus creating some beams of light that project brightness. The gleams of light are partial and not complete, but they still brighten up the neighborhood.  
  
He pulls down the hood of the sweatshirt in such a way as to protect himself from the pouring rain that constantly hits him as if they were a shower of sharp knives.  
  
He goes to the house. He knocks on the door. He waits. He hears his voice. He talks to him through the door. He waits. The door opens. He sees his face. He waits. He steps in. The door closes. The door is locked.  
  
They move to the kitchen.  
  
_Silence._  
  
Liam leans against the door jam, while Zayn leans against the edge of the counter. They still can't talk to each other or look at each other the way they would like to.  
  
But Liam must find both the courage and the strength to be able to talk to and look at Zayn. That's why he's here now. _That's the reason_. The one and only. He needs to know how he's doing. That's what matters most.  
  
_Silence.  
  
_"Can we talk?" Liam asks Zayn.  
  
"What should we talk about?" Zayn asks back Liam.  
  
_Silence.  
  
_"You don't take my calls, you don't reply my messages," Liam tells Zayn.  
  
"You know it's hard for me to keep in touch with people," Zayn replies to Liam.  
  
" _But_ _I'm not people, I'm me_ ," Liam retorts to Zayn.  
  
" _Then you know it's hard for me to keep in touch with you,_ " Zayn remarks to Liam.  
  
_Silence.  
  
_"Why?" Liam asks Zayn.  
  
"What?" Zayn asks back Liam.  
  
"Why are you such an _asshole_?" Liam asks Zayn.  
  
"Because _I'm an asshole_ ," Zayn answers Liam.  
  
_Silence.  
  
_He approaches the other male through a series of steps. He finds himself in front of him. _Face to face. Eyes in the eyes._ He takes another step forward towards him. He finds himself closer to him, so that the distance is even minimal between them to separate them from each other.  
  
Zayn is about to get away from Liam. _Quickly._ Liam's hand grabs Zayn's wrist. _Tightly._ Liam doesn't let Zayn go. _Never._  
  
''Let me go,'' Zayn warns Liam.  
  
''No,'' Liam replies to Zayn.  
  
'' _Let me go,_ '' Zayn repeats to Liam.  
  
' _'No,_ '' Liam to Zayn as well.  
  
Liam tugs on Zayn. They almost collide with each other due to it. He looks at him fiercely. His chest rises and falls erratically. His eyes turn on and turn off irregularly. There's love, there's grudge and there's hate. There's much more behind every single word and behind every single gesture. He grabs his hips with his own hands, pushing him _against the counter_. He leans towards him, almost until he kisses him but he moves away from him. He grabs his shoulders with his own hands, pushing him _against the wall_. He leans towards him, always almost kissing him but moves away from him again. He always seems to be on the verge of kissing him but that kiss is never given to him. A kiss never given. There's _something undone_ between them, there's _something unsaid_ between them.  
  
"What do you want from me?" Zayn asks Liam. "Why are you here?" he asks him.  
  
"I want you," Liam answers Zayn. "I'm here for you, " he answers him.  
  
"Do you want me?" Zayn asks Liam. " _You've never had the courage to really kiss me, to really make love with me and to really love me_ ," he tells him.  
  
''Shut up,'' Liam warns Zayn.

''Make me,'' Zayn challenges Liam.  
  
It was a _trigger_ for him. _Into his soul, under his skin, into his heart._ He could feel it. He hurles himself at the other male, firmly, savagely and tightly grabbing him for his nape on which he presses his own palm. He pulls him towards himself, almost sharing the same breath because of how close they are to each other. He hears him, how he gasps for air; he sees him, how he winces in fright. But again he doesn't have the courage to kiss him.  
  
" _Coward_ ," Zayn insults Liam. " _You're a fucking coward,_ " he insults him again.  
  
He pounces on the other male. He presses his own lips against his lips. _It's a violent, aggressive and brutal kiss, made more of teeth than lips_. It's the truth that he didn't have the courage to kiss him, to make love to him and to love him. Never. A man can't kiss another man, a man can't make love with another man, a man can't fall in love with another man. _But when Liam kisses Zayn it seems as wrong as it's so right, so he doesn't know what to think about it.  
  
_"Have you ever loved me?" Zayn asked Liam.  
  
"I've always loved you," Liam answered Zayn.  
  
'' _Prove it to me,_ '' Zayn said to Liam. '' _Kiss me and take me,_ '' he told him.  
  
He wants to do all of this. To Kiss him, to rip off his clothes and to take him. But how can he do that if he keeps standing here still and silent, without doing and saying anything. It's like living in vain. He's not really living any life. Not when there's no courage to take who and what he really wants to have. The desire still exists. Within himself, within him. _Into Liam, into Zayn_. It's right there. Here, now. _He has to take this chance._  
  
He presses his own lips on his lips. _Fiercely_. He puts his own hands on his neck. _Tightly_. He puts his own palm on his chest. _Hastily._ He slips his own tongue into his mouth. _Quickly. To make love_. It would be like born and die in a cycle. _For infinity, for eternity._ But he can no longer escape from him and from it. He takes him to the bedroom, while kissing him and touching him in a tangle of love, grudge and hate. He throws him on the bed, then he climbs over him and he pushes him on the bed. He pins him against the mattress.  
  
Liam is above Zayn. _He looks at him as if he's seeing him for the first and last time_. He looks at him as if he wants to _pierce_ him. _He touches him as if he's touching him for the first and last time_. He touches him as if he wants to _destroy_ him. _He talks to him as if he's speaking to him for the first and last time_. He talks to him as if he wants to _insult_ him. _While undressing himself, while undressing him_. They remain _naked_ before each other, among the already messy sheets and blankets. Their bodies are against each other. He's _shaken_ by a series of chills, because he's _scared_ by all of this. He's afraid of who they are; he's afraid of what they have. He doesn't want it. He wants to escape from him and from here.  
  
" _You're shaking,_ " Zayn says to Liam.  
  
" _I'm afraid,_ " Liam replies to Zayn.  
  
'' _Don't be,_ '' Zayn whispers to Liam.  
  
_How can he not be fearful?_

 _Face to face. Eyes to eyes. Skin against skin. Body against body._ They're both already hard. He doesn't know what to do anymore. He has no clue about it. He's certain that the other male has just figured it out. It may be from the way in which he seems to be clueless.  
  
_The positions are reversed_. He's _ridden_ by the other male, so he finds himself under him. His own fingers grab his hips. _Closely. Firmly. Strongly.  
  
_He opens his own mouth, then he welcomes his fingers by coating them with saliva and he closes his own mouth as soon as they're done with it. He watches the other male. _He allows him prepare himself, witnessing the whole scene since the start until the end._ He can _hear_ , _see_ and _feel_ him in every way.  
  
He observes the other male. He slides his finger into his hole among a series of shivers, moans and whimpers, so as to widen it by stretching it out with several twists.  
  
_Zayn is straddling over Liam; Liam is laying under Zayn._  
  
He feels his hands grab his own dick, so as to lead the tip nearby the hole by poking it. His own thick shaft slid into his tight hole all the way in. He groans out.  
  
They hold their breaths.  
  
He increases the squeeze on the other male to such an extent that he sinks his own nails into his flesh, drawing reddish streaks on amber skin. He guides him by accompanying the movements, while being ridden by him. They look at each other all the time thrust after thrust. It culminates into an orgasm. They almost reach it at the same time. He arches against him by filling him up.  
  
It's Zayn who collapse on Liam. He squeezes him against himself, as if he doesn't want to let him go. Ever.  
  
''Stay with me,'' Liam begs Zayn. ''Please,'' he pleads him.  
  
They kiss. _In a desperate, passionate and frustrated way_. It should last forever as long as it makes them feel alive. Within the walls of the room. Where they can't be seen, where they can't be heard. Where they can feel, see and hear each other. _Alone, together._  
  
_The fear of love doesn't exist here and now between them. They're safe._

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you like it. 
> 
> I've been having this idea in my mind for so long, so I'm glad that I finally put it into a fanfiction. 
> 
> You can support this fanfiction by **commenting it** , by **leaving kudos** or by **bookmarking it**.
> 
>  **Social Networks** : **Tumblr** : thesouththth.


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